Saturday, March 14, 2009

2 Weeks, 2 Days

Wow. I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. My mom has been bugging me to post an update, but it has been a massive week for me in terms of school work and the only thing I have used my computer for is school work. But, on the plus side of that, I got another test grade back....96%! And my grade back on a huge bugger of an assignment....A+. I didn't even do that good in high school! Or in my first two years of college! So I guess all the hard work is paying off! I just hope with the economy the way it is now that I will be able to get a job when it's all said and done. I hope this isn't all for nothing!

Anyway, back at the subject at hand. Earlier this week I had a mild panic attack....or anxiety attack, whichever you want to call it. I'm not sure what it was. My mom attributes it to withdrawl, but I was already a week and 3 days in when it happened, so I am not sure I can blame it on that. I attribute it to events that occurred over the weekend that have to do with things I am dealing with personally. Needless to say, it was not pleasant and I felt incapacitated for a day or so. I don't know how I got the school work done that I needed to do. But I did. And I survived.

I have another new addiction (beyond watching L&O SVU)....I have been craving water like no other the past week or so. I got myself a big water bottle that I fill with water and stick in the freezer for an hour or so (I do NOT enjoy luke-warm water), and guzzle it down in no time flat. I am definitely getting in my 8 glasses a day...if not more. And oddly enough, I am hardly drinking any soda anymore. Weird. Still drinking a lot of coffee, but when I am thirsty for something cold, I have been reaching for the water instead of the pop.

I am hosting a major dinner tomorrow at my house for my sis's b-day. I have had a turkey in my freezer for a couple of months now that I really need to get rid of and I didn't think she should have to cook for her b-day dinner. So I am making turkey, stuffing, mash potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, rolls and salad. Her hubby is bringing the cake and his Dad is bringing the soda. Everything else is on me. I've only ever cooked a turkey one time before and I'm nervous to get all of this done by myself tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to it, too. She has been so great to me over the past 10 months or so, so this is my way of showing my appreciation for her. I also special ordered a t-shirt for her with a "super woman" logo on front and on the back it says:


I hope she likes it.

Anyway, all is well. Just thought I should update you all. Two weeks, two days. Hoping my skin looks 5 years younger very soon. :-)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

One Week

I thought I'd get rid of that disgusting banner now and put a "cheerleading" banner up there. A little cuter, huh? I think Sammy will appreciate it, at least. :-)

That bucket is gone now. I had put it in my garage when I left for my ski trip last weekend and just discovered today that it was empty. Somehow, without my knowledge, my mom must've gotten to it. I have several of those buckets that I plan to use for my kids' trips to the beach this summer. They will make great sand castle making buckets!!

The insomnia has gotten better. I did use the Tylenol PM a couple of nights ago but was very groggy the next day. Last night, I stayed up til about 1:00 a.m. watching episodes of Law and Order that I had DVR'd. I have a new obsession with that show. Since I am studying law, I have a whole new fascination with any shows that revolve around the law. I love it that I can watch those shows now and actually know what those lawyers are talking about! How cool is that? Not so good for sleeping, but they are very addicting. So, I guess I have traded a nicotine habit for a late night TV habit. Which is the lesser of the two evils? I'm debating. JUST KIDDING.

I'm waiting for those two weeks that the skin product commercials promise. You know the ones where they tell you that within two weeks you will see fewer wrinkles around the eyes and mouth? Not that I look like an old hag, but I would love for those crows eyes to be gone. And those smile lines. Maybe a pound or ten could help with that, too. Who knows. Or maybe I should just "grow old gracefully." Whatever.

Anyway, it's been one of the longest weeks of my life. Seriously. It feels like a month ago I was planning for that ski trip. At the same time, I can't believe we are into March and within a couple of months summer will hit. What a year it has been.

Not sure how long I can keep a blog like this interesting. Soon it will be "old hat" and I won't have much else to say about the issue.

Still appreciate all the prayers and support! I couldn't have done it without you all!!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

5 Days Out

I am still having insomnia issues. And jitteri-ness. And a little bit of irritableness. My girls know that I quit smoking, but I don't know if they've really realized it. They haven't said much about it.

My "sister" across the street is being supportive. That helps. She quit smoking a cigarette the other day when I came across the street to see her. A far cry from the days of she and I sitting together on the respective porches smoking and chatting. I miss chatting with her, though. Think I can handle sitting on the porch talking with her and drinking coffee while she smokes and I don't?

I am past the three days but still seem to have problems with feeling "at odds". Hard to explain. I am ready to have a restful night of sleep again, I can tell you that right now. My mom got me some Tylenol PM when I was wracked with the flu a couple of weeks ago. I might have to give it a shot tonight. I need some sleep.

At least today I wasn't sitting comatose on my couch being a complete bum. I got quite a bit done today, as a matter of fact. And it's weird to not have my life revolving on when the next cigarette break is going to be.

For the record; I did tell my friend on the ski trip what I was doing and she was very supportive of me and my goal. I'm very grateful to have her back in my life again after so many years!!

On a completely different subject; I got my first test grade back for one of my classes....98% thankyouverymuch!! I feel pretty good about that!

My six year old is going to be in the talent show this weekend at school. She will be displaying some art work. I am warming up the video cam!

Thanks for your continued prayers.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

So, here's the scoop.....

Well, I have been home since about 1:30 mst. It's 6:30 mst. As I predicted ,the time I was away on the ski weekend was pretty easy. I was with 9 people; all Christians, all non-smokers. We spent the weekend skiing, hot-tubbing, playing games, cooking meals and having fun....except for my friend who invited me to come who spent the entire weekend holed up in her room sick. Major bummer.

I didn't sleep well. It was either the fact that I had to sleep on a couch in a sleeping bag, or other factors. I don't know. I am very tired.

Right now, I am hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. I'm either catching what my friend had, or it is other factors.

I am trying to get motivated to school work; instead, I am a couch potato catching up on a weekend's worth of DVR'd TV shows.

I should be doing laundry; but again.....the TV.

I listened to my daughters' high school musical CD all the way home; radio doesn't come in way up there. I kept myself distracted by singing all the songs. Yes, I know all the HSM heart.

I just realized I am gritting my teeth quite a bit. It's annoying.

I got some spearmint gum to keep my mouth busy, but it's too minty and it is giving me heart burn. Or else I'm catching my friends' illness.

I woke up a lot the past two nights. How annoying when I could've been sleeping well since I had no kids to wake me up. So, when I woke up, I ate. Maybe I'll need to spend the money I am not spending on cigarettes for a gym membership if over-eating is going to become an issue.

I purchased myself some Neutrogena anti-wrinkle stuff for my skin. I'm sure smoking has contributed to some of my around the eyes and mouth wrinkles, so maybe I can reverse the aging by non-smoking and skin rejuvination.

I'm not doing as bad as I thought I would. The real test will come when normal life resumes and I have the daily stressors to contend with. But by tomorrow morning at about 10:30, I will have gotten through my first 36 hours. One day at a time, right?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

2 Days and Counting

Not much to say about this at this point. 2 days. Day after tomorrow is D-Day. Just talked to my friend on the phone who is hosting the ski weekend. She's thrilled my mom is willing to watch the kids for me. I almost told her the motivating factor behind why my mom is watching them, but she doesn't know I smoke. And after this weekend, she will never have to know, so I withheld that information.

I won't be in a situation where I will be able to post for the first 48 hours of my "smoke-out", but I don't anticipate those first 48 hours being too much of an issue. I will be skiing, and I will be with non-smokers. It's the last 24 hours, when I get home, that I am worried about. So, be sure you will be hearing from me then.

I had a great idea today. I have a checking and a savings account (like most people do) and I decided that every day I am going to transfer the amount of money from my checking that I would normally spend on cigarettes into my savings and see how much money I have after my first month. How fun will that be?! I might feel a little rich.

I am willing to bed that my house is going to be cleaner than it ever thought possible because I am going to have to do something to keep my hands and my mind busy. And I am going to invest in gum. Gum is good.

Thanks again for the support! It will be immeasurably important to me in the next few days!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

3 Days and Counting

This afternoon, my sister (in-law who is not technically my in-law anymore so we have shortened it to just "sister") came rushing into my house to tell me that my cigarette butt bucket on the front porch was on fire. She had been on her porch smoking and saw billowing smoke coming from my house. She initially thought my house was on fire or that I had gone nuts and was smoking an entire pack of cigarettes at one time.

I had been taking a nap; big girls were at school, babies were sleeping, so I was taking advantage of the quiet. What a way to wake up! And what a lovely, pungent aroma that left.

Is it a sign? I think the butt bucket is just preparing itself for its impending doom.

Monday, February 23, 2009

4 Days and Counting

Wow! Thank you so much for the outpouring of support and encouragement that you have all provided. It is amazing to know that I will have the prayers and support of so many people out there that I don't even know in my quest to better my lifestyle. Your continued support and prayers will definitely be key because as the days and the hours wind down, I'm starting to panic a little. I never realized how much of a crutch this has been for me.

I had a long, stressful, brain-spraining day of school work today. A major assignment due, and a big test due today. Anytime the stress got to be too much, I would take a break and "escape reality" by smoking a cigarette. What am I going to do to "take a break" when I don't have that anymore? I can't leave the house and take a walk unless I plan to take all four girls with me. Usually all I need is five minutes and a walk around the block with all of them would literally take 45 minutes.

Two days at a ski getaway is easy enough to handle when I am with non-smokers and don't want to gross them out with the smell of cigarette smoke on my clothes. But what about when I am back home in my own environment and dealing with the triggers that cause me to want to smoke. What then?

What do I do first thing in the morning when I am gearing myself up for the day and the inevitable stress that getting all my kids ready for the day entails?

When the weather is nice, I enjoy doing my studies on the patio and having an occasional smoke while I read my books. Do I have to avoid my patio in an effort to not have the desire to smoke?

I know I can do it. All the comments from everyone who used to smoke tell me that I can. But it's hard to believe that I can actually get to the point Barb is at and honestly not crave that. A foreign concept to me.

I am committed to doing this for me and my kids. I just hope they forgive me for being crabby for awhile.

I'm going to get fat, though. I just know it. I think I have an oral fixation so if I don't smoke, I will eat. And I just bought a whole bunch of new clothes that fit my skinny frame! What a waste of money!

Maybe the money I save from smoking cigarettes can fund my new "post smokers" body, eh? ;-)

Thanks for your continued support. I think I am really going to need it!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

5 Days And Counting

I am here as a mother of four....and a smoker. I have been inspired by Barb to improve my quality of life, and the life of my children and join her in her journey to become a non-smoker.

I have made a deal with my mother. After reading Barb's posts and learning the effects of quitting in the first three days, my mom has agreed to take my children for me for 3 days (since that is how long Barb said it took her to quit feeling the insane cravings and feeling like she was crawling out of her skin) to allow me to "withdrawl" and keep my children from that wrath.

I will admit this; I'm not looking forward to it. Suffice it to say, my life has not been "non-stressful" in any way, shape or form, and smoking is my coping mechanism. I fear how I will handle my stress when I can't walk out the door for five minutes and have the momentary release. Those who don't smoke can not comprehend the true release that provides.

But I am a single mom. I am all they have. Well....I am not all they have....but my mother has no desire to raise them. And I don't blame her. And I have no desire to leave my children. And the additional "pocket change" that the cessation of this habit could provide would be a nice "raise".

I have been invited on a ski weekend with some friends. None of whom smoke and none of whom know that I smoke. It is a two day trip. My mother has agreed to take my kids for that trip plus one additional day to give me that time to survive those first three hellacious days and protect the kids from the inevitable irritable-ness that I will experience.

I don't anticipate that this is going to be easy in any sense of the word. But Barb did it. And I am hoping that with her support, and the support everyone has given her, and the Good Lord's help, I can kick this habit (that I have tried to kick so many times before) and begin a healthier lifestyle for me and my kids. I am putting it out there so that you can help keep me accountable.

Yikes. I'm scared.

The ski trip commences on Friday. My 3 days will be up on Monday. That leaves me 5 days to mentally prepare myself for this challenge.

The countdown has begun......