Wednesday, February 25, 2009

2 Days and Counting

Not much to say about this at this point. 2 days. Day after tomorrow is D-Day. Just talked to my friend on the phone who is hosting the ski weekend. She's thrilled my mom is willing to watch the kids for me. I almost told her the motivating factor behind why my mom is watching them, but she doesn't know I smoke. And after this weekend, she will never have to know, so I withheld that information.

I won't be in a situation where I will be able to post for the first 48 hours of my "smoke-out", but I don't anticipate those first 48 hours being too much of an issue. I will be skiing, and I will be with non-smokers. It's the last 24 hours, when I get home, that I am worried about. So, be sure you will be hearing from me then.

I had a great idea today. I have a checking and a savings account (like most people do) and I decided that every day I am going to transfer the amount of money from my checking that I would normally spend on cigarettes into my savings and see how much money I have after my first month. How fun will that be?! I might feel a little rich.

I am willing to bed that my house is going to be cleaner than it ever thought possible because I am going to have to do something to keep my hands and my mind busy. And I am going to invest in gum. Gum is good.

Thanks again for the support! It will be immeasurably important to me in the next few days!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

3 Days and Counting

This afternoon, my sister (in-law who is not technically my in-law anymore so we have shortened it to just "sister") came rushing into my house to tell me that my cigarette butt bucket on the front porch was on fire. She had been on her porch smoking and saw billowing smoke coming from my house. She initially thought my house was on fire or that I had gone nuts and was smoking an entire pack of cigarettes at one time.

I had been taking a nap; big girls were at school, babies were sleeping, so I was taking advantage of the quiet. What a way to wake up! And what a lovely, pungent aroma that left.

Is it a sign? I think the butt bucket is just preparing itself for its impending doom.

Monday, February 23, 2009

4 Days and Counting

Wow! Thank you so much for the outpouring of support and encouragement that you have all provided. It is amazing to know that I will have the prayers and support of so many people out there that I don't even know in my quest to better my lifestyle. Your continued support and prayers will definitely be key because as the days and the hours wind down, I'm starting to panic a little. I never realized how much of a crutch this has been for me.

I had a long, stressful, brain-spraining day of school work today. A major assignment due, and a big test due today. Anytime the stress got to be too much, I would take a break and "escape reality" by smoking a cigarette. What am I going to do to "take a break" when I don't have that anymore? I can't leave the house and take a walk unless I plan to take all four girls with me. Usually all I need is five minutes and a walk around the block with all of them would literally take 45 minutes.

Two days at a ski getaway is easy enough to handle when I am with non-smokers and don't want to gross them out with the smell of cigarette smoke on my clothes. But what about when I am back home in my own environment and dealing with the triggers that cause me to want to smoke. What then?

What do I do first thing in the morning when I am gearing myself up for the day and the inevitable stress that getting all my kids ready for the day entails?

When the weather is nice, I enjoy doing my studies on the patio and having an occasional smoke while I read my books. Do I have to avoid my patio in an effort to not have the desire to smoke?

I know I can do it. All the comments from everyone who used to smoke tell me that I can. But it's hard to believe that I can actually get to the point Barb is at and honestly not crave that. A foreign concept to me.

I am committed to doing this for me and my kids. I just hope they forgive me for being crabby for awhile.

I'm going to get fat, though. I just know it. I think I have an oral fixation so if I don't smoke, I will eat. And I just bought a whole bunch of new clothes that fit my skinny frame! What a waste of money!

Maybe the money I save from smoking cigarettes can fund my new "post smokers" body, eh? ;-)

Thanks for your continued support. I think I am really going to need it!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

5 Days And Counting

I am here as a mother of four....and a smoker. I have been inspired by Barb to improve my quality of life, and the life of my children and join her in her journey to become a non-smoker.

I have made a deal with my mother. After reading Barb's posts and learning the effects of quitting in the first three days, my mom has agreed to take my children for me for 3 days (since that is how long Barb said it took her to quit feeling the insane cravings and feeling like she was crawling out of her skin) to allow me to "withdrawl" and keep my children from that wrath.

I will admit this; I'm not looking forward to it. Suffice it to say, my life has not been "non-stressful" in any way, shape or form, and smoking is my coping mechanism. I fear how I will handle my stress when I can't walk out the door for five minutes and have the momentary release. Those who don't smoke can not comprehend the true release that provides.

But I am a single mom. I am all they have. Well....I am not all they have....but my mother has no desire to raise them. And I don't blame her. And I have no desire to leave my children. And the additional "pocket change" that the cessation of this habit could provide would be a nice "raise".

I have been invited on a ski weekend with some friends. None of whom smoke and none of whom know that I smoke. It is a two day trip. My mother has agreed to take my kids for that trip plus one additional day to give me that time to survive those first three hellacious days and protect the kids from the inevitable irritable-ness that I will experience.

I don't anticipate that this is going to be easy in any sense of the word. But Barb did it. And I am hoping that with her support, and the support everyone has given her, and the Good Lord's help, I can kick this habit (that I have tried to kick so many times before) and begin a healthier lifestyle for me and my kids. I am putting it out there so that you can help keep me accountable.

Yikes. I'm scared.

The ski trip commences on Friday. My 3 days will be up on Monday. That leaves me 5 days to mentally prepare myself for this challenge.

The countdown has begun......